To Those Who Saved My Life:
I don't know if I would have committed suicide if you weren't there – I never really considered it. At times, I wanted to die, but your support and love made me want to live – to conquer and live. Your love for me was my love for life. This is how you saved my life.
Thank you for being there for me from the first scratch. Thank you for being someone who noticed and asked and kept asking and noticing. Thank you for being someone to whom I could tell the truth, and thank you for always pointing me to the Truth. I cannot imagine how you suffered – you were truly loyal, and I know that I asked you to bear heavy burdens. You held steady for me though I know it must have taxed you so. I'm sorry for the harsh words I sometimes said to you; thank you for understanding.
I remember when I was trying to stop, when I went for three weeks without cutting, and you wanted to throw a party for me. That meant so much to me. It reminds me of Jesus and how absolutely pleased, how enraptured He is with our weak yes – how delighted He is when we get back up, no matter how feebly and no matter how many times we fall.
Your friendship to me during that time was invaluable. I am so happy to see you happy now.
To G.H. and D.H.:
Thank you for trying so hard and hurting so much for me. Thank you for taking me seriously and for getting me help.
Thank you for being so full of life and love and understanding. I was so scared back then, but your smile was like sunshine to me – warm and hopeful. I remember the day I left class crying, and you found me later and asked if I was alright; you smiled, and you hugged me. When I was with you, I felt normal because you treated me like I was normal. When we went on our first trip together, and I told you at three in the morning about my battle with depression and cutting, you just listened and worked to understand. You didn't take anything I said for granted – you asked questions. I was so happy to be by your side and joke and laugh together. Thank you for knowing me. Thank you for being you – I love you so much.
Thank you so much.
P.S. I miss you. Lettuce hang out.
Thank you for not being horrified when I showed you my scars and scabs. I was terrified to show you because my own heart was so weak – I couldn't say it with words. I saw a struggle on your face for a moment after I pulled back my sleeve, but it resolved into kind calmness, and you nodded.
How young we were then! You were a tremendous friend – strong, accepting, focused. I know how surprised you were when I gave you my blades. Your response still kind of amazes me: "Heather, are you sure?"
I said, "Yes. I want to get rid of them."
"Okay, I'll destroy them. I'll put them through the garbage disposal." You grinned then. "Well, maybe not. But I'll destroy them." You were so zealous; it reminds me of Jesus and how completely He consumes everything meant to harm us when we are certain that we want to let them go. Isn't He brilliant? Like all the suns in the universe.
When you spoke about me to other people, I felt respected, and I needed that. I laid so much on you as well – thank you so much for holding it. It meant my life to me.
P.S. Congratulations! I haven't gotten to say it yet, but I am very happy for you and the Mrs.!
Thank you for so carelessly remarking that if I were an emo, I'd have scars on my arms just before I defiantly showed you the scars on my arm. That was the first time I'd shown anyone without feeling afraid, and even though you apologized over and over, I'm not sure you'll ever know how important that moment was to me. I'm sorry I spoke so angrily to you then – I wasn't really angry. Thank you for bearing it and for caring and emailing me from so far away. Thank you for reading my poetry. Thank you for asking, listening, loving, and offering to be my shoulder to cry on. You were an incredibly important part of my healing.
Thank you for being there and for doing what you had to to cope with (and help me cope with) my sickness. I wish you wholeness now. I love you more than I could ever say.
You were my North Star. Looking back, I don't know what it was about you then, but you inspired me to live. When I watched you, I knew that I wanted to get better, and I knew that I could. Maybe the future was somehow shining through you – you are indeed my bright star, my favorite and my best. You were with me on one of the most important anniversaries of my life then – January 31 – and you sat by as I buried that past forever. We walked then and talked, and I healed.
Thank you for everything you've ever done for me. Beyond even that, thank you for being you – you saved my life by being yourself. I love you.
To my Jesus:
Thank you for placing each of these and so many others in my life. Thank you for Love and Healing and Life. Thank you for Yourself.